The Super Bowl Half-Time Show is Now in a Hopeless Place
And how we should fix it
I do love Rihanna. For catchy dance hits, the woman has a catalog few can beat. “Diamonds,” “Umbrella,” “Pon de Replay,” “Don’t Stop the Music,” and of course, “We Found Love” and many, many, more. So I was rooting for her tonight. Coming out of hiatus for the Super Bowl show, one of the biggest cultural events in the U.S. It’s got it all that we worship. Men in tight pants chasing a pigskin ball with odd rules, celebrities, commercials, and the half-time show.
Every year, I wait for this. Who sings the anthem? Chris Stapleton gets it this year. Who sings “America the Beautiful?” Babyface gets the win. A beautiful rendition with an acoustic guitar. Hats off sir. Well done.
I had high hopes for Rihanna, which were quickly dialed down. Instead I kept praying the swinging platforms would not drop her on the troops of marshmallow dancers below. She did her job, but compared to past performances, it felt…well flat. To be fair, it’s not fair to compare her against other divas who do things a different way. Beyonce has been on this stage twice with epic performances. Madonna has been there. Katy Perry. Lady Gaga. And those are the top women. Prince, U2, Snoop & Dre, Bruce Springsteen, and many more have stepped up to this stage. But this one slid into the middle. It was not as bad as the Black Eyed Peas. Instead it was a quiet, respectable performance among marshmallow dancers.
So I think it’s time we reinvent this cultural event. It’s starting to feel that the powers that be are really worried about making sure the viewers recognize the music they hear. So they choose an artist with a wide catalog, and tell them they won’t get paid but they will get the notoriety of being in an exclusive club of playing the Superbowl. But newer artists do not have this kind of catalog and given changes in music we may see more one hit TikTok wonders than superstars with lots of hits.
What if, we took a bolder tack. If we’re not going to pay the artist, then at the very least, the network must give the chosen artists a 30-second ad spot PSA for a charity of their choice to air in this capitalistic mess. Maybe something to stand out among all the ads for gambling, drinking, driving new cars, chips, and my fave this year, menopause medication (proof positive big pharma has too much fuckin’ money)
Then have a “dress the dancer” contest for America, for all those energetic dancers that swarm the performer. If we want all marshmallows out there, or left sharks, we get to choose. Cuz let’s face it, their costumes never make sense anyway. The only requirements should be they are able to move and breathe.
Now the main event. First off, let’s start out classy. For example, how about Stevie Wonder opening with the song of his choice? You can’t go wrong with Stevie and he’s got the hits. Play a shortened version of a song and then have Stevie Wonder slide out and Steve Lacy slide in for “Bad Habit.” It was a big enough hit and he would have a chance to take his victory lap for a great album in 2022. Oh yes, and release the dancers in whatever ridiculous costume we put them in. Dorito bags, sweatpants and light-up rainbow headbands? Fine.
Then the second Steve slides out for Styles. Harry Styles. He’s got the showmanship factor so he can play a song of his choice. Even as the Dorito bags are flying around the field. But the piece de resistance? As Harry crescendos, we transition to a hooded figure among the Dorito dancers. Out pops Bad Bunny. And he gets to end this mess with Styles, Lacy, and Wonder all returning to the stage. And a big old dance party breaks out. Babyface and Chris Stapleton stumble out as well, cuz, why not?
Will all the folks in the crowd know who’s out there? Probably not, but who cares? How many true music fans are in that crowd anyway. Will it outdo Beyonce? Or Prince? Never. But at least it would represent pop music as it is today.
Otherwise, just say fuck it, and give it to Weezer. Happy end of football season folks.
